It's 12:16am on the 29th o-June and it's 80degrees in my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. IN MY HOUSE!!

We left this afternoon to go pick up the food for Son's birthday party when we got home the a/c had gone out was was pumping hot air into our house. *deep breath* I called for emergency maintenance and he was kind enough to come right over... and tell me that he's not allowed to work on electrical stuff after dark and he'll be back tomorrow.

We canceled son's birthday party. *tries not to cry* It's too hot and with extra people and the maintenance coming and going it wouldn't be much of a party. I made Charlie help me decorate anyways and stubbornly professed that WE were going to celebrate regardless.

I feel so upset. We finally get around to doing things right -shit, just doing them at all and the universe steps up and pulls the rug out from beneath us. I don't know what to say...

except it could be worse - I could have woke up like Horse this morning, stuck in a toilet and surrounded by multi-grain Cheerios.


Now, what am I going to do with 6lbs of potato salad? 24 croissant sandwiches? 1gal of ice cream? - eat cake of course.

Well we knew that didn't we?


All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that good men do nothing. - Edmund Burke

In preparation for Ellis's Birthday I've been doing those little things that have needed to be done but are constantly being put off. Yesterday I attacked the little growths of mold in the master bath and windowsills. I had been putting it off since I don't usually clean with bleach and therefore kept forgetting to buy it for this task. I opened the windows after I was done and barricaded his door so he couldn't get in there - yes my sweet prince has the master bath and bedroom. He was so upset to be shut out of his room and when I finally deemed that enough time had passed we went in there and it was just like walking into an indoor pool in the summer. That humid chlorine smell - brought back many good memories of my childhood spent at the city pool.

Several months ago we bought these huge leafs from ikea to put of in Ellis's room. They are so big that we have to anchor them in the wall instead of using regular nails. So I put up one and then realized that I was an anchor short for the other. I quickly weighed the cost of time and gas to run up to target vs. the likelihood that I would stop on my way home from school tonight & the ruined surprise for Charlie that it was already done. Ellis and I bustled up to Target and purchased the needed anchor plus some wrapping paper and looked at cakes. Oh yeah and some lovely black bean tabbouleh and a turkey spinach wrap with guacamole, mmm.

Anyways the point being on the drive home I noticed that someone had thrown out a cigarette and the grass on the median was in the process of catching fire. I thought "I should call.... I should stop... What about Ellis's impending nap?.... what about the tabbouleh?... Oh darn I missed it... I'm sure someone else will call" and here I am. I should have called or stopped. I know that even if no called and it was going to try to be a roaring blaze it's not because of the torrents of rain falling at this moment.

I read about this is pysch. Neighbors heard a woman crying for help and no one called or helped. She was murdered and could have been saved but everyone thought someone else would do it.

I need to work on that. *le sigh*

Now back to homework. I'm in the last two weeks of class and things are really heating up.

Me too...

Just had a minor meltdown/panic attack about this very thing. Feeling like the universe has totally screwed me. Here I've been waiting so patiently for Charlie to finish school and for our 'boat to come in' and the fucking thing sinks right in front of me at the dock. Yes I know that I'm lucky that I don't have a mortgage and the financial woes of those who were on the boat, but man... I guess I'm just as miffed that we should be making it instead of scraping by as I am relieved I don't have piles of debt from the non-recession haydays.

but I'll stand my ground...

Then I read Brigid's blog and she reminded me that life is still incredibly good. Focus on that. (thanks love, it's just what I needed to hear) Now if I could just locate my big girl panties I'm ready to pull them up. lol

I was looking for my psychopharmacology review paper and came across just the song I needed to hear. Sam Elliot's deep voice singing - I won't back down.

Well I wont back down, no I wont back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I wont back down


Gonna stand my ground, wont be turned around
And Ill keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down


Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down.


Well I know whats right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
But Ill stand my ground and I wont back down


Hey baby there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down
No, I wont back down


Now back to my home work.

p/s Sam Elliot's voice gives something to this song that neither Johnny Cash or Tom Petty have. Despite my highest regard for Mr. Cash and Mr. Petty I recommend this version.

"And we were screaming down the river road

smiling at the fading

City lights in my rear view

looking for the break in the fence

That a few of my friends and I took a handsaw to

We had all the right ingredients

for doing something new

Drank some brews

had a great time marinating

In that sweet, sweet southern moon"

-Benjy Davis Project

And that is what I did Wednesday, marinated in that sweet sweet southern moon.
I read that my Auntie Moon would appear the biggest she possibly would all year,
something to do with the reflection of the sun... I don't know but the pictures I saw
(it was actually overcast here) were stunning.

I turned in my psych paper early Tuesday and had a math test Wednesday so I was more
than ready for a nice relaxing evening. I had some lovely Five Rivers Chardonnay. To
me it's a wonderful blend of sweet & crisp, tangy and fruity. And although I'm not
enough of a oenophile tell if it was a peach fruity taste or a necterine fruity taste
I can tell you the most important thing about the wine - I loved it!

I did commit a few (minor) wine sins though:

I forgot to put it in the fridge so served it with ice. I pretended like I was
in RandLand and iced wine was a real delicacy. It changed the flavor by making
just a bit less tart but more dry - if that makes sense.

I purchased the wine at Target, which I believe in itself might be enough to
offend the wine snobs but... I bought it on clearance. *chuckles* I bought three
bottles (though some pirate I live with had already pillaged 2 of them) and
saved enough money to buy a lovely bottle of Pacific Rim Dry Riesling which
I love and was also on clearance.

I ate it with an enchilada Smart One. (microwave dinner)Instead of some fish
or salad or Thai food it would have been very nicely paired with.

I am not a wine snob, nor do I think I have the makings of one. I just like the stuff.
It tastes so good and there are so many varieties and pairings out there that even this
Gemini can't get bored.

As for my guilty pleasure I watched The Other Boleyn Girl. It was interesting and in
my slightly shifted state I had quite a few revelations while watching it.

Some minor like - although a beautiful time period to look at it like most of our
history was actually a horrible time for women. They faced oppression like we have not
seen in our life times, nor with any luck will our daughters ever see. We have so many
rights and opportunities to live our lives the way that we please, and it was a good
reminder not to take that for granted.

Others were pretty big and personal and not fit for such a public forum as this blog.
I'll just say that they were profound & somewhat difficult to swallow.

I too had a nice long conversation. Charlie and I discussed the nature of love, and how
different foundations (laid down primarily by our parents) create different expectations.
Once again, thanks mom and dad for doing such a great job. You brought your children
up to believe in love, and while this sort of idealism and hope about love doesn't exactly
thrive in this time and place (if ever or anywhere outside a fairy tale) I wouldn't
change it for the world. And I want my children to also grow up believing in love and
it's power.

It was a nice evening and I look forward to the full moon next month.

As you all know today is my birthday.

27 years ago it was the day of my birth.

Things to know about my birth:

*I was born in a hallway.
*I was a blue baby.
*My dad 'caught' me.
*You could see the Little Bighorn Battlefield from my hospital room window.
*If I hadn't turned head down a few weeks prior, my little brother and sister would not be here.


I watched a baby being born today on NOVA (for psych class). It was amazing. Thanks mom and dad.

I don't feel worried about getting old this year. I felt grown up and strangely normal as I drove home from class and stopped by to pick up some Chinese food for me and Charlie. I was happy about feeling grown up, I still am as I sit and type this. I don't feel like my life is passing me by. I'm living it. It may be a hellish 97degrees out with full on humidity (no I will not stop complaining about the heat) but it was my day and I throughly enjoyed it.

Things to know about my day:

*Ellis and I made a book for Charlie called "I love my dad" - a late fathers day gift. I love it!
*I watched most of the 6 hours of Pride and Prejudice. Will finish tomorrow.
*I blew out candles and shared a strawberry chocolate cake with Ellis. He crawled onto the table and layed down next to it to eat it. Yes, it was that good!
*I did some homework I've been putting off.
*Read two of my favorite mommy blogs. One of which only comes out on Mondays and was *reminded of what I love about summer and being a mommy.
*I had my Monday weigh-in and lost another 2.6lbs - even with my slightly debauch of a weekend. This means I've lost 50.6lbs!!! I finally met the 50 mark and surpassed it, how super cool is that?

Birthdays are a good time of year for me to think about goals. I have many. I am still evaluating the ones for my 27th year on this Earth. I'll let you know what I come up with.

Thank you to everyone who sent some LOVE and well wishes my way. Very much appreciated. I love you too!

btw Charlie, Mike and Pat surprised me last Friday and took me out to Benihana's. It rocked! Thanks to you too. I'm still surprised that they were able to surprise me. lol

Whew! It has been a crazy hectic week.

As you know I started school on Monday. Found out that there is a lot I don't know about getting the right books and study materials and confirmed to myself that school is just a money making 'racket'. I am now a part of this 'racket' and will continue my turn at the grind stone until I become educated enough to also make money. lol

I feel a great deal of pressure. Not just because it's been so long since I've seriously studied anything not toddler/housewife related, but because my consoler told me that I pretty much have to make A's to get into the nursing program. 'Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.' I have no doubt that I can pass my current courses but get A's? 'Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.' and repeat... Adding to my angst is the fact that I am taking 5wk summer courses that cram roughly a weeks worth of learning into a day. And repeat.... Freaking out? yes, I'm a bit stressed. Terrified of falling behind because I have the sneaky suspicion that if you fall behind you don't make it, just like some crappy horror film.

The flip side is that I am exercising my brain, every day this week it has reached capacity at least once. And several days it's reached capacity and then taken a short break before resuming. It's a little weird to do something that doesn't involve the boys. Not that Charlie isn't a life saver for my math course but it's still my course. I go to school 4 days a week, probably 5 if you include my math lab. Spend time with people I don't know and aren't associated with the Family. It's decisively odd but not bad. I had to get some good shoes cause I do get quite a bit of walking in the soul sucking intense June heat. I like my classes and my professors and am loving the fact that I'm actually DOING IT!! My life, I'm actually living it instead of in 'someday' mode. That thought keeps me going and overrides my panic.

The boys are adjusting. Charlie has now taken over the evening parenting and I'm on for mornings. Still working out the kinks about dinner for Ellis but we've come up with some excellent ideas that I think will work just fine with some tweaking. Ellis was really clingy the first day after he woke up from nap and dad was here and went to bed with out mom. He's better now. We just need to keep up his routine and he'll be fine. I have noticed that I am much more in family mode. Probably because my built in time with the boys has gone from every evening to Friday-Sunday. Makes every moment more precious and I find myself missing them at odd hours. Yesterday we took Ellis to a little play area they have at the mall (a/c), he had a blast! Climbing, running around and crawling through tunnels, perfect for him. We then walked around for a bit just taking it in and I found a little stand that sells bubble tea! We'll be going back.

The crazy ants are still crazy. There is a little troop of them that love our medicine cabinet. I don't know what they found in there since I've not seen them actually get into anything or carry anything away. But they whirl and twirl up and down the wall, bumping into each other and turning around and going the wrong way. It's amusing.

My birthday is in a week and a day. Still not freaking out about getting older. Just pushing myself to get healthier and healthier. I can't believe I'm 27 and in this condition! I will continue to work on that. Last week I actually stopped by the gym on my way home from school and walked for 1/2 hour. This week I'll try to do it at least twice. You can ask me about it if I don't remember to let you know. This way I'm accountable. Thanks.

Son's birthday is the end of the month and I'm getting ready for the party. Nothing too big, just family. Will be doing Toy Story theme. I found some great stuff online for decorations and am pretty happy about it. We'll do sort of a dry run (watered down) for my birthday so that he can see how it goes. Yes I'm still having corn dogs and tater tots on my birthdays. I love them! And I'll be renting Pride and Prejudice the long version (6hrs) it's a tradition and such a guilty pleasure.

I know that Solstice is coming. I've been dreaming about Saul almost every night now for about the last 2wks. Some mornings it's harder than others, those dreams can be very heart wrenching tough. Yesterday we were listening to a new mix cd and on came "Down to the river to Pray' from the O Brother, Where Art Thou soundtrack. It was too terrible and poetic, I just broke down and cried. What can I say? I miss him. There is still so much that I don't/can't understand.

Once I get used to the work load and schedule shift I hope to start posting more often again. I have lots of things I want to blog about but just have not had the time. I know I still haven't written about my adventures through the South, I didn't forget. I also keep reading my mission statement. I strike out to be my highest self every day. I think it's working, at least we have forward motion. *wink*